Hello again, and welcome back to After The Waiting Room.
My name is Shayne Sullivan and I’m here today to talk about our ego and how important it is for us to feed it the elements it needs in order for us to be engaged fully in our lives and our interactions with others.
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Our ego’s role is also to keep us safe and it’s also concerned with making sure that certain needs are being met, that we are right and we look good in our own eyes and in the eyes of others.
There are 6 core needs that our unconscious mind needs to have met, whether we meet them resourcefully or unresourcefully.
These needs MUST be met. The 6 core needs are:
- Significance
- Certainty
- Variety
- Connection
- Growth
- Contribution
Today, we’ll look at Significance.
Remember the story of the karate client in the clinic?
He was on a significance journey and he really wasn’t concerned with who got in the way of his journey. It’s unresourcefully seeking the significance he so dearly wanted. Burning bridges in relationships may not be the best way to go about things.
If our unconscious mind feels it’s not getting enough attention, it will pursue strategies in order to obtain what it needs.
Resourceful ways may be how we choose our types of work, how we excel with certain talents we have developed such as:
Sport, Writing, Music, Education, Science, Service to others, Corporate, Health
This is only a very small part of a huge list we can choose to excel at.
Our achievements with our special talents and gifts is when we get the attention and recognition we need to survive as humans in a connected society.
A simple thank you or a pat on the back and just recognizing that someone is there may be enough to fill that need, to nurture confidence and a sense of self, especially with our children, other family members and even giving people the time to listen to their story about their fears, their sicknesses, their hopes, and dreams.
Others may become very colorful with the way they dress, do their hair, their accessories and other objects we have in our lives such as our house, our car, and other possessions and life experiences.
Facebook, Instagram and all the other social media platforms proved an opportunity for people to claim their significance, whether it’s to inspire others or to bring them down. We can compare ourselves in relation to others, and know we are important and can contribute in a meaningful way.
It’s great to be aware of these needs and the fact that we all must have them fulfilled.
Being aware of the core needs gives us the opportunity to not get so offended or upset with other peoples’ behaviors. Instead, we can ask ourselves what that behavior is really a reflection of. What is it really about?
Behaviors such as constant interrupting, especially with young children, or even some adults I’ve met over the years, being over competitive to the detriment of others, bullying, and even sickness can be repeated if the unconscious mind believes that it’s a great way to get the recognition it craves.
Observing behaviors in others and in ourselves can also give us insights into why we keep sabotaging ourselves with particular behaviors.
Maybe we keep repeating behaviors we really recognise as being destructive but we just can’t help ourselves.
Knowing that everyone must have these needs met, gives us an opportunity to step back and maybe look at things differently and to ask ourselves how we could change our behaviors in order to get the things we want in life in a more ecological way.
Ignoring and judging others because we don’t agree with what they are doing simply points out that we have missed the point of the behavior.
If we keep fobbing off little or even big health signs, hoping things will get better, then we’ve missed the point of what our unconscious mind is endeavoring to tell us.
It could be a plea for getting out of a situation where there is a lack of being able to achieve meaningful significance.
It may be a job we find we’re stuck in or has little room for advancement, or it could be a relationship where we’ve allowed our power and voice to be taken away or it could be an unconscious knocking at the door to change some of our personal and lifestyle habits which may not be serving us, either it be diet, exercise, spending habits or even our mindset towards our own self-worth.
Sometimes, maybe, illness is a great way to escape these situations and to make us re-assess, even if it’s really painful, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and very inconvenient at the time.
I have a little true story to tell you. Are you ready?
Once upon a not so long ago time, I was listening to a fellow who was describing an epiphany he had a few years ago which changed their lives.
He was very high in the corporate world – happy family, earning very serious money, owned a beautiful home, luxury cars, expensive holidays – everything to tell him that he had made it. He was a success and he had everything he needed and wanted.
As he was sitting comfortably at his desk with the expansive windows in his office on the highest floor overlooking an amazing city view and feeling very pleased with himself as he relaxed with his feet up on his desk, hands folded comfortably behind his head, “Ahhh”, he said to himself, “This is it!”
Soon after, while he was relaxing, a tiny, little thought crept into his conscious thinking, “Is this it for the rest of my life?”
Turning up every day in a suit and tie, writing reports, conducting meetings, flying around the globe, missing his wife and growing family.
The question kept getting louder and louder over time. He said that weeks later he realized he had given himself chronic fatigue.
He quit his job and found his own answers and is now teaching others how to help themselves, not only in their own health but waking others up to their own special talents that can assist others to be their best selves.
Now that’s significance!
By looking deeper and showing compassion to others and to ourselves, may be enough to give us what we so desperately need in the gift of significance so we can say, “Look at me! I know I’m worthwhile! I know I can change the world for the better!”
We can then take a more meaningful place in new tribes and the existing tribes we want to belong to.
On that note, have fun in detecting significant driven behaviors in others around you and in yourself and remember there’s no judgement, there’s no right or wrong about having our needs met, it just is.